Last Time I'll Be With You

I'm in New Jersey. I've been here since Thursday, visiting my folks. My Dad, Sy aka Seymour, is dying. Developed bladder cancer ten years ago and it has metastasized to his bones and he's now home with hospice care. Mom, who just finished chemo and radiation for her newly diagnosed breast cancer, is doing fine. Life is something, huh?

I go back home today.....so how do you say goodbye? I know I probably won't see him alive ever again. Though, he's been quite the fighter. He won't go down easy....never did, never will. Mom on the other hand is a woos. I got my tenderness for people from Mom, my tough edge from Dad. I'm a survivor cuz of Dad. I'm a lover cuz of Mom. I need both, and at this point in my life, they are both a part of me.....so I know I've gotten all the lessons I'll need in life that Dad can offer. Now all I want is time. But in a few more hours, that will be gone.

Dad grew up in Brownsville, Brooklyn, New York. He was a child in the middle of the Depression. Got food from the bread lines. Was raised by a single Mom, who actually kicked her cruel husband out years before, but he came back and raped her.........ps,, Dad was born 9 months later. So, all these years that I saw the tough side of Dad, who was tough as a Father and Husband, I gave him leeway. I understood. He had unresolved anger in him, yet he always sparkled for me. He was an extremely handsome man, people asked me if he was my older brother...it's why people think I'm younger than I really am--thanks for those genes Dad.

And while I'm at it Dad, Thanks.....
...for supporting our family as best as you could with only a JHS education,
...for yelling at the speeding cars that went by the backyard where we played,
...for passing on to me your love of building things,
...for giving Mom the first flower that bloomed in our garden,
...for teaching me how to drive that humongous station wagon,
...for your love and respect of Judaism,
...for your love of the Yankees only because they had a player with our last name,
...for loving my grandmother (Mom's Mother) and letting her live with us til the day she died,
...for not letting boys in my bedroom,
...for making me take a car mechanic course in HS,
...for helping me leave you with no guilt after your heart surgery, back to Illinois to be with my new husband 26 yrs ago,
...for the unconditional love you have for my children,
...for my conviction to do whatever it takes in life to get through.

I'll miss you bunches.....but I will survive.

Reasons Why I....

Why I Hate......

1. From one of the Dummy RNs who sits in the office and reviews my charts, "Lora, when will you finish with this patient, we have been seeing her a long time. When will you get her blood levels stable already???" What I wish I could say..."Fuck you......this patient has a cancer that is strangling her to death..you think her blood levels will ever be stable?? I bring a smile to her face when I come and soothe her once a week...what is that worth? Just because your job makes you act like a freakin machine don't take it out on my precious patients or me. And go workout forgodsakes, your ass is getting HUGE!"
2. Unnecessary phone calls.....Cingular keeps calling to try to tell me of the new shit they have to offer to get me to pay more. I answered their call once, (I am the goddess of ignoring calls) and told them to remove my name from their precious list. The minimum wage sweetness on the other end told me it could take a month to do it due to paperwork issues. I blasted her....You want me to buy more electronic features from a company that in this day and age can't use a frigging computer to update a stupid list?? Get my name off now or the state will be calling to shut your asses down!! (Damn I need more power)
3. Asshole drivers......to the white Mercedes, tan Lexus, yellow sportscar with a shopping cart handle on the trunk, Hummer who should be in Iran but thinks it's cool to look like a war vehicle that works best in sand dunes while being shot at but actually lives in a 4000 ft mansion on the lake with live-in help to help keep their pathetic lives running smoothly.....Fuck you all for cutting me off cuz I'm not driving 20 miles over the speed limit so that you can get to your more impt appointments than my silly ones of trying to save lives.
4. The selfish 84 yr old sister that lives upstairs from my 80 yr old patient who cant get out due to circulation issues and has no children to help. The sister gets pineapple upside down cakes from her daughter, it's my patients favorite dessert.....she won't give my patient a piece but never neglects to tell her she has it. (Don't worry, I found a bakery that makes them...she gets that cake from me--one slice at a time cuz I know she'd share it if she had more.)

Why I love.....

1. The lady at the Cleaners ....for singing while she walks on the trail by my house. For always asking me how my knee is doing when I pick up the cleaning.
2. My coworker who always drops by the desk I'm working at when I make my biweekly visits to the office to bring me bottled water to help get me through my day.
3. My patients...who say "May God Bless You", who thank me with feeling, who have crocheted little items to express their appreciation, who have given me little bags of goodies so I won't go hungry while driving to my next patient, who have shown inner strength during some of the ugliest times in life.
4. My puppy.....who just wants to spend his life staring at me.
5. My Honey.....for not only going out of his way to buy me the best chocolates in the Chicagoland area, but for buying me a CD of music he hates to his core (yeah....yeah...I'm a Barry Manilow freak...don't go there)
6. My daughter....who has gotten in just about every kind of trouble these past two years and has blamed everyone else....for the beautiful Valentine Card and box of chocolates. And she got one for her brother and my Honey. There is hope!
7. My son...who at 6'3", 250#, still allows me to wake him up with a kiss on his forehead and a whisper, "Time to wake up my Baby Boy."
8. Cuz I have many more reasons to love than hate...I am grateful.

Smy Turn

I'm having an interesting running/tri year. I was soooo motivated by races last year. Did plenty of half-marathons culminating with the Chgo Marathon...It was amazingly exciting. I'm feeling calmer now...excited about going for the tri....relearning to swim, researching a road bike, dangling a 50K in front of me for next year...but it's not the same......I'm not sure, but maybe wisdom is the culprit.

I didn't tune into my body last year...didn't listen to it...didn't really want to. I had goals to achieve and just wanted to get to them. Now I want to enjoy, really enjoy. I want to make sure my body holds up, I'm learning to listen to all it's squeaks and screams (tho I've not heard it screaming yet). I've taken a day off when I ache...not worrying about not sticking to my training schedule. Honestly....it's much more relaxing.

I'm in this for the long run. There's sooooo much out there to do. Even non-competetively. This is such a beautiful country....I want to hike/run/bike so many parts of it. I want to get back to Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado and find more hiking/running trails. I want to discover what North Carolina hides in its' mountains. I want to see wildlife and plantlife. I want to hear Mother Nature talking, whispering. I want to soak in her hot tubs and swim in her streams. I want to, so I will. This year I'm going to do what I can to make it happen.

My kids will be moving out by summer....I'm getting rid of the big house and moving into a condo. To a town I can walk around in, in a car that can push thru it all, in a body that will be ready. After 22 years of caring so much for others, this will end up being my year. Been a long wait, but damn I'm ready!

To Buy a Bike

I'm learning about bikes...getting ready to buy one for my triathlon. Thought maybe this one would help me bigtime:

Rocket Bike - Jokaroo.com

But I'm realizing that bike jumping is NOT for me:

Insane Bike Jump - Jokaroo.com

Which Path to Take

I'm still deciding on whether to do the Ice Age 50k in May....got great support from my fellow bloggers which I so appreciate! Here's what Coach Meredith emailed me about this decision....

"If I were you, I would probably hold off on the Ice Age 50K until next year. Your focus this summer is successfully completeing your first triathlon! That is a big undertaking in itself. I would stay focused on that goal, get your body completely healed, strong & then you could always do it next year."

During the Chgo Marathon in October, my first Marathon and longest distance, my right shin was really aching. It put me down for only 2 weeks, probably because I went right in to see my physical therapist and orthopedist and listened to what they told me. I changed shoes, got an orthotic (for my verrry high arches), iced regularly, and learned how to stretch and strengthen properly. And now with the cross-training of biking and swimming my body feels much stronger during my runs.

Here's the year with the 50k..........

3/19.....March Madness Half Marathon
4/2......Shamrock Shuffle 8K
5/13.....Ice Age 50K
5/21.....Cleveland 10K (would do the 1/2 Marathon if I don't do the 50K)
6/25.....Naperville Sprint Triathlon
7/22.....Waterfall Glen Extreme 10K
10/22.....Chicago Marathon

I've been socially running for 10 years, but this is only my third year of doing races. I haven't done ANY speedwork yet. I've been a back-of-the-packer and my goal this year is to be in the middle-of-the-pack. I'm leaning towards forgetting about the 50K for this year...I'll still have plenty of goals to work on. I'm finding the hardest part of all this is reigning yourself in!!