All I want to do is run. If I let it, I could have it take over my life. But I stay balanced....not that that's so hard for me. I have a lot of responsibilities to handle...tho after this year they will lessen. I am ready for that. 22 years of parenting, 11 as a single mother, is plenty. I know my job is forever, but the day-to-day heavy stress should be over by then. At that point, it's all about me.
I put off so many dreams due to being a single mother. That was hard. Though I love my kids and couldnt imagine my life without them, waiting for them to grow up was challenging. My generation is a selfish one. I look at my Mom and realize all she gave up to keep her family together and my Grandmother, coming over to America at 16 yrs of age, leaving behind her parents and all she knew, and I know my challenges are small in comparison. For the most part, we Americans have it made. I try to keep that in the front of my mind.
So I am finally running. Not as much as I'd like, but I'm running. I was always an athlete but never really given the opportunity to seek it out as a teenager or young adult. I did the "acceptable" things as a young mother--Jane Fondas Aerobic tape, Jazzercise classes, gym workouts. I finally got really into running about 14 yrs ago. A casual runner, but I was running. I bought a treadmill against the wishes of my then-husband, and I used it several times a week for 3-miles a shot. It took me years until I figured out how to deal with my asthma and the weather, but when I did it was very special to me. I could run outside!! I could do races!! That was only 3 yrs ago. Small steps.
Now like a kid who's been kept away from candy all her life, I gaze into the candy shop and my mouth waters. Races, marathons, ultras, travel. I want it all but life still demands negotiating. Let me loose onto the trails with a backpack on and let me feel what I have been craving. Until then.....I dream.......